Affirming

The Boston Marathon is among the world’s best-known races. One of the most infamous portions of the 26-mile, 385-yard course is “Heartbreak Hill.” Thousands of spectators gather there to cheer on the near-collapsing runners. During one race a young man was near total exhaustion as he approached the foot of Heartbreak Hill. Halfway up the hill an older man, in better shape, came alongside the younger man, put his arm around him and spoke quietly to him. Together step by step, they painstakingly made their way to the top. This is a picture of affirmation. To affirm is to endorse someone who needs consolidating or firm up what is crumbling. The writer of Hebrews calls us to “strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees” (Hebrews 12:12). We do this primarily with words, but sometimes through actions.

The Bible not only encourages us to affirm but also contains stories of how people were affirmed. For example, the story in Exodus 17:8-13 is a picture of enormous struggle and the weariness that comes from striving to reach up to God. Certain destruction is averted by coming alongside of committed family and friends. When the Amalekites attacked Israel from the desert, Moses sent Joshua into battle. Moses withdrew to the mountain for the labor of oversight and intercession with God. He discovered that when he held his hands and staff up to the Lord, Israel prevailed in the battle, but when he let his hands down, the Amalekites prevailed. Soon Moses’ hands were so heavy that he could no longer raise them in victory. His brother and brother-in-law moved him toward a resting stone and helped him lift his hands to the Lord. As a result, Joshua defeated Amalek. Moses’ action was affirmed in a very practical way.

In the New Testament mutual affirmation is one of the normal ways of ministering love to one another in Christian fellowship. Paul himself is a wonderful example of this in the way he endorses those to whom he writes, always encouraging them in the opening lines of his letters, even those who were not affirming, but criticizing him (as, for example, the Corinthians).

Affirming Others in Daily Life

In a survey parents were asked to record how many criticisms versus affirming comments they made to their children. The results were alarming: they criticized ten times for every affirming comment. In one Florida city teachers revealed that they gave 75 percent more criticisms than verbal blessings. The Institute of Family Relations reports that it takes four affirming statements from a teacher/parent to offset the effects of one criticism to a child. William Barclay comments:

One of the highest duties is the duty of encouragement. It is easy to pour cold water on . . . enthusiasm; it is easy to discourage others. The world is full of discouragers. We have a Christian duty to encourage one another. Many a time a word of praise or thanks or appreciation or cheer has kept a man on his feet. (p. 95)

We should also affirm each other in the church. Knowing some of the difficulties our church leaders would be facing in the beginning of the new year, I wrote the following blessing for them:

Enough joy to keep you pure.

Enough slings and arrows to keep you courageous and watchful.

Enough anguish to keep you vulnerably human.

Enough hope to keep you faithful daily.

Enough failure to keep you humble.

Enough sleep to keep you rising early pray.

Enough wealth to keep you generous to others whom few are generous to.

Enough confusion to keep you wondering and dreaming.

Enough success to keep you eager.

Enough friends to keep you encouraged.

Enough enthusiasm to keep you expectant.

Enough hardihood to keep you willing.

In this way I sought to affirm in advance the work they would do and struggles they would have.

Practical Ways to Affirm Others

In intimate relationships, we can lose intimacy by overfamiliarity. Often it is good to return to treating each other as we did when we first met. We are polite, affirming and interested. Our conversation is more focused on the other than on ourselves. For married couples who find their affections broken and in need of affirmation, this idea can help.

Ask to see what God is doing and comment on it. Seeing others through our Lord leads to discernment. We can affirm others and be there for them in their hour of need. Seeing another’s need in the light of God’s love for him or her frees us to respond in that love, making us safe, giving and serving.

Understand that seeing the good in someone is a spiritual discipline! It is uncreative and lazy to find a person’s weaknesses. This is probably why we do it so often. However, to see the good in another and to make comment are a great encouragement.

Practice “positive gossiping” (see Gossip). Exchanging positive affirmations about our family, friends and colleagues distributes warmth to all. A couple who did this each night about their children allowed the children to fall asleep hearing their parents brag about them. Sometimes it is awesome to overhear your name spoken well of.

Observations are always more powerful than compliments. Compliments can make you feel worthless and are often discarded before they are fully enjoyed. A therapist, after giving an affirmation, wanted his client-friend to remember it. Upon hearing the dismissive thank-you, the therapist said, “This is not a compliment; it is an observation.” This is more likely to be valued as being true and authentic.

Catch someone doing “good.” When my daughter was four years old and quite proud of her long brown hair, she was observed by the church grouch stroking her locks during worship. Wanting to protect her from a reprimand, I leaned over, but heard, to my surprise, “Christine, you have beautiful hair and are a beautiful girl. I love how you sing.” Later, my daughter said, “That nice lady caught me doing good!” That is affirmation!

Dump the “yes, buts.” A “yes, but” is a hidden criticism behind a halfhearted compliment. Drop them both. Also, evaluating and comparing one person with another is almost always unaffirming. Address people on their own merits.

Recognize that affirmation is a challenge. When someone is well affirmed, it often is psychologically upsetting! People are not used to the straightforward challenge of an affirmation. Affirmations challenge how a person thinks about himself or herself; it confronts discrepancies in how one views life.

Affirmation is a friendship skill. It warms both the giver and the receiver to the relationship. Friendships are built and sustained by affirmation. So too are good marriages and parenting. Author Lawrence Peters (The Peter Principle, p. 82) has noted that you can tell a real friend by the fact that when you have made a fool of yourself, he or she does not feel you have done a permanent job. Affirmation is the ability to maintain a relationship with a friend who has failed.

When we affirm each other, God too is there affirming us: “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing” (Zeph. 3:17). The ultimate affirmation is from God at the end of the race: “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23 NRSV). But even before the end of the race, God affirms us in the context of everyday life through God’s servants—whether knowingly or not—and through the hug of the Spirit within.

» See also: Blessing

» See also: Blessing, Family

» See also: Family Communication

» See also: Friendship

» See also: Love

References and Resources

W. Barclay, The Letter to the Hebrews: The Daily Study Bible (Edinburgh: St. Andrew Press, 1955); R. F. Capon, The Parables of Judgment (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1989); X. Leon-Dufour, Dictionary of Biblical Theology (London: Geoffrey Chapman, 1970); B. Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up and Burnt-Out (Portland, Ore.: Multnomah, 1990); L. Peters, The Peter Principle (New York: Morrow, 1969).

—Paddy Ducklow