Blessing, Family

Blessing is one of the most powerful ways human beings can express love, especially in a family context. Indeed it is conspicuous when absent because children hunger for the approval and goodwill of their parents, parents long to be blessed by their children and spouses need to nourish each other in the covenant relationship. To give a blessing is to use speaking in a powerful way to express positive goodwill toward, to bestow favor upon and to offer some benefit to another person. Blessing can be given without words through a gift or action, but such material blessings have greatest meaning when accompanied by words. Take the situation of the parent who “blesses” her child by giving multiple presents but never verbalizes her love, respect and goodwill. Blessing is more than, though not less than, affirmation. In this article the older meanings of bless as “consecrate” or “sanctify by a religious rite” will not be explored though, as we shall see, blessing is a holy relational ministry that takes us to the very heart of God.

Blessing in any context, but especially in the family, is good for three reasons. First, it is one of the fundamental ways God relates to the world. God relates through dramatic intervention (deliverance) and through regular positive participation in it (blessing; see Blessing). Second, blessing is an expression of one’s person at a very deep level so that through words or actions an individual communicates presence, peace and goodwill to another. The words are fraught with unavoidable consequences. When an Israelite pronounced a blessing, he or she did not merely offer good wishes for the future. Rather, the soul was offered and something happened (Pedersen, 1:200; compare Genesis 48:15). For example, Isaac could not recall the blessing he gave to Jacob, even though it was accomplished by deception, because Isaac had put himself into it. To withdraw his blessing would be to destroy himself, and he intuitively understood the hand of God in it all (Genesis 27:27-40; see Promising). Third, to bless and be blessed is a fundamental need of every human being, created as we are for love and to love.

Family Blessings in the Bible and Beyond

In biblical times, and in all older cultures, blessing the children was something expected; it was often attended with certain rites and ceremonies. French Canadian fathers used to bring in the New Year with their hands of blessing on their children. Israelite fathers were expected to give their blessing to their children before their own death (Genesis 27:4). This was not a fully egalitarian act. These blessings often involved appointing the future leadership of the family or tribe (the first-born male usually took over) and passing on the inheritance (again the first-born male would get twice as much as the others). Occasionally the birthright could be sold, as was the case when Esau exchanged his family leadership for a bowl of stew (Genesis 25:29-34).

Parental blessing was like an unwritten last will and testament. Job was conspicuously different from other ancients in this matter, for he gave his daughters an inheritance along with his sons (Job 42:15). Normally women were provided for through the bride price and dowry, a system repugnant to most modern Western people but containing more social security than is normally understood. Blessing the children in ancient times was, however, not merely a legal and financial act. It was a ministry that involved speaking a prayer for health, abundance, protection and peace (Genesis 27:28-29). Sometimes the father would speak prophetically about the future of each child, as Jacob did in Genesis 49. Remarkably, the author of Hebrews selects this very last act of Jacob’s blessing his children as his supreme act of faith (Hebrews 11:21). For parents, blessing our children is an act of faith in which we trust them to God, pray for God’s blessing upon them, discern God’s unique gift to them (including talents and spiritual gifts) and release them to fulfill God’s purpose in their lives. There is an important principle involved in this ancient and almost universal practice.

The Importance of Family Blessings

From the earliest age children crave the approval and favor of their parents and will do almost anything to get it. The less-favored son Esau pathetically tried time and again to get his parents’ blessing (especially his mother’s) by marrying women he thought they might approve of, only to find out the wives brought more bitterness to them (Genesis 26:34-35). Paradoxically, the parents who withhold affirmation from their children because they fear making the children proud may assist in producing pride and self-centeredness as the children try to prove themselves. Bless children, and they will grow up with good self-esteem and will experience freedom from organizing their life around the need for approval. They may gain a measure of humility and will be more free to think about others.

Blessing a child’s marriage is another crucial ministry of parents, since the freedom to leave one’s father and mother (something both husband and wife must do) is partly, though not totally, facilitated by the parents’ letting go. This blessing includes support, goodwill and expressed love; it means that the parents will never undermine the marriage even if, at an earlier stage in the relationship, they feared the choice was not a good one. As with forgiveness, and sometimes because of it, the parents will put the past in the past when they bless. The parents’ blessing frees not just the children but paradoxically frees the parents to release their children to form a new family unit while still remaining connected to the parents in a revised way. When this is not done, the parents may still be bound to their children even though the children want nothing to do with them. The parents may cling to their married children in a codependent way, a phenomenon that usually leads to a tragic emotional triangle of husband, wife and in-laws.

In healthy families, blessings of children and marriages are not part of a one-time, deathbed drama but are something woven into the warp and woof of everyday life. Daily expressions of appreciation, with or without the actual word bless and not always tied to performance at school or around the house, reinforce that people are valuable for themselves, not just for what they do. Parents who only reward excellent achievement at school are contributing to drivenness and workaholism.

When Blessing Is Hard

When parents are not able to bless their children regularly, it is often for reasons that signal the need for growth in the parents themselves. God gives children to parents to help the parents to grow up! Perhaps the parents were not affirmed, never had their parents’ approval for their marriage or did not choose a career acceptable to their parents. Much deeper than these factors is the possibility that the parents do not themselves enjoy a profound acceptance with God.

Paul speaks to this in Ephes. 6:1-4. Parents are not to exasperate their children; this is exactly what they do when they make demands without blessing, requiring performance without acceptance and approval. Instead, Paul says, parents are to raise their children “in the training [nurture] and instruction [admonition] of the Lord” (Ephes. 6:4). This is commonly misunderstood to mean that parents are to deliver Christian education to their children. In fact, it speaks about the context in which both parents and children grow—while they both experience the nurture and instruction of the Lord.

Have the parents experienced the unconditional love of Jesus? Do they know existentially that there is nothing they can do to make the Lord stop loving them? Are they aware of the Lord’s instruction, discipline and nurture in their lives in such a way that even the parents have limits and are held accountable? Do they delight in the Lord’s approval and the certainty that they have a future with promise? We give what we get. If parents did not get such blessing from their parents, they must seek it from the Lord. If children cannot get such blessing from their earthly parents, they must find it with their heavenly Parent. If parents do not receive the blessing from their children, they too must find this in their relationship with God. Fortunate are those who experience such compensatory blessings from God through parents and children in the Lord as part of their involvement in a familial small group or house church in the congregation.

Not only do children need blessings from parents, but parents need their children’s blessing. Husbands and wives need blessing from each other, as do brothers and sisters and members of the extended family. The wife of noble character described in Proverbs 31 receives an invaluable gift: “Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her” (Proverbs 31:28). Such blessing cannot be contrived or demanded. When it is, it is no blessing at all since it does not come from the heart. The words fall to the ground. But when a blessing is freely given, it nourishes the soul. Few children and few spouses understand the power at their disposal to nurture their closest neighbors in life.

» See also: Affirming

» See also: Blessing

» See also: Family

» See also: Gift-Giving

» See also: Promising

» See also: Speaking

» See also: Will, Last

Resources and References

J. Pedersen, Israel: Its Life and Culture, 4 vols. (London: Oxford University Press, 1963); M. H. Robins, Promising, Intending and Moral Autonomy (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1984); L. B. Smedes, “The Power of Promising,” Christianity Today 27 (January 21, 1983) 16-19; H. W. Wolff, Anthropology of the Old Testament, trans. M. Kohl (Philadelphia: Fortress, 1964).

—R. Paul Stevens