Conflict Resolution

Conflict is a natural part of life. Although many people think conflict means open controversy, a truer definition might be the absence of peace—which can be obtained in its most complete sense only from God. Whenever people interact with one another, there is a potential for a difference in opinion or purpose. Most people are able to deal with minor differences. When major conflicts arise, however, many people do not know what to do. They fear conflict, react defensively or have difficulty negotiating just agreements. As a result, valuable relationships are damaged or destroyed, time and money are wasted, and promising businesses and careers fail.

In American culture today, litigation in civil court has become a common substitute for direct personal interaction. As a result, conflicts may be resolved as to substantive issues but are almost never resolved as to personal relationships. A focus on satisfying individual rights has supplanted concern for the good of the whole community. In some other cultures there continues to be reliance on the judges at the gate (Ruth 4:1-12), but in America’s increasingly anonymous society the perceived cost-benefit of resolving conflict between individuals amicably has been skewed in favor of keeping the conflict unresolved.

Popular Christian Attitudes Toward Personal Conflict

Some Christians are more vulnerable than other people to conflict, this vulnerability arising from a misunderstanding about what it means to be Christlike. For example, some Christians believe they always should “turn the other cheek,” without realizing that unless one does so freely, without resentment, this is no true reflection of Christ’s peacemaking character. Such actions are like the Pharisees’ carrying out the letter rather than the spirit of the law. Further, giving in may be inconsistent with God’s Word, which includes also the concepts of justice, restitution and personal accountability. Others imagine that they should carry out God’s justice. They may appoint themselves as God’s avenging angel, even though Jesus instructed us not to do so (Matthew 7:1-2). Such an attitude is precisely the opposite of how God approaches discipline, which is with a loving and expectant heart (Hebrews 12:1-13). Finally, some Christians spend a great deal of energy on broader matters of peace and justice. Although these are important, such people sometimes pay scant attention to resolving their own interpersonal conflicts, failing to recognize the broader community implications of individual discord.

All these attitudes can lead to confusion, abuse or pent-up anger. In contrast, to seek resolution of disputes according to biblical principles means seeking both personal reconciliation and the just settlement of substantive issues, not only for the purpose of human unity but also to bring praise and honor to God (1 Cor. 10:31). Jesus specifically urged peacemaking among his followers as a personal attitude that brings blessing (Matthew 5:9).

God’s Interest in Conflict Resolution

As well as giving us the ultimate model of reconciliation—Jesus Christ (Hebrews 10:10)—the Old and New Testaments are full of direction and action from God on the reconciliation of persons to himself. There are many pictures of unilateral forgiveness and provision for sacrifice as a substitute for judgment. It is obvious that complete, direct, personal reconciliation is one of God’s major preoccupations (Hebrews 2:1-4). God’s method of resolving conflict serves both as a model for our own behavior and as a reminder of our own utter dependence on God as the source of all good we hope to achieve.

By studying the ultimate conciliator at work, certain guidelines emerge for dealing with conflict in our daily lives:

1. Conflict allows us to grow to be more like Christ (2 Cor. 12:7-10).

2. Peacemaking starts with our own personal attitude, which in turn comes from a focus not on the conflict but on God (1 Peter 3:13-15).

3. It is possible to reconcile oneself unilaterally, but only if the past is forgiven completely (Phil. 4:2-9).

4. Resolving conflict may require different methods at different times and places (1 Samuel 25:26-35; Esther 7:1-6; Proverbs 6:1-5; Acts 16:22-24; Acts 22:22-23, 29).

5. Differences of opinion are inevitable and usually are acceptable (1 Cor. 12).

6. Reconciliation does not necessarily require giving up or giving in, especially when someone is being hurt by ongoing conflict; loving confrontation may be preferable (Galatians 6:1-5).

7. God reconciled all to himself through sacrifice and forgiveness, but we must pass this gift on to others to realize its full benefits (Ephes. 4:29-32).

8. Resolving conflict God’s way may require us to accept consequences and to alter our behavior (Ephes. 4:22-32).

9. Justice is God’s, not ours (Luke 6:27-39).

Biblical peacemaking involves an active commitment to restore damaged relationships and develop agreements that are just and satisfactory to everyone involved (1 John 3:18). A spirit of forgiveness, open communication and cooperative negotiation clear away the hardness of hearts left by conflict and make possible reconciliation and genuine personal peace. True biblical vulnerability, honesty and forgiveness can restore a person’s usefulness, both to God and to others, and lead to complete restoration of relationships (Galatians 6:1-3; Ephes. 4:1-3, 24).

Resolving Conflict as Believers

The Bible contains two basic messages about how believers should seek to resolve conflict in their daily lives. First, as with most things in life, God’s Word contains promises, principles and practical steps needed for resolving conflict and reconciling people. Second, it is clear that peacemaking is an essential discipling ministry of the local church, not a task reserved for professional counselors or lawyers.

See it as an opportunity for obedience and witness. Sometimes we wonder why God has allowed a certain conflict to come into our lives. Instead of viewing conflict as a painful burden, Christians can learn to see it as an opportunity to please God and to draw attention to God’s wisdom, power and love (1 Cor. 10:31-33). God has promised to use even our conflicts for good (Genesis 50:19-20; Romans 8:28). This perspective allows for a positive and confident response to conflict as we ally ourselves with the most powerful peacemaker in the world.

Examine your own part in the conflict first. This includes not only your actions but also your attitudes, motives, acts and omissions. Because it reveals our sinful attitudes and habits and helps us to see where we need to change, conflict provides an opportunity for us to grow to be more like Christ (Psalm 32:3-5; Psalm 139:23-24; 1 John 1:8-10). This growth takes place when we follow Jesus’ command to accept responsibility for our own contributions to a problem before pointing out what others have done wrong (Matthew 7:5).

Look for steps you personally can take. Few things in the Bible are as clear as the steps we are to follow when seeking to resolve conflict, particularly within the body of believers. Each of us is commanded to make the first move when in disagreement with another (Matthew 5:24). One opportunity provided by conflict is to serve others. Sometimes this can be done through acts of kindness and mercy (Proverbs 19:11), but at other times it requires constructive confrontation (Matthew 18:15). Recall that Jesus confronted people not simply by declaring their sins to them but by engaging them in conversation designed to make them arrive at the same conclusion on their own (Matthew 7:12; Luke 5:27-28; John 4:7-26).

Accordingly, if someone is angry with you, go to them immediately (Matthew 5:23-24), even if you believe the other’s anger is unjustified. If you are angry with someone else, first ask yourself if the issue really is worth fighting about and check your attitude—are you actually looking forward to the confrontation? If an offense cannot be overlooked, go privately and express your concerns. But do not assume that the other knows or understands your feelings; explain what you are concerned about but also why (Matthew 18:15). Be sure to affirm the relationship and your desire to work things out lovingly before launching into a discussion of the issues (2 Cor. 2:5-8).

Making the first move does not mean that someone else has done something wrong or bad. An otherwise innocent word or act can cause an unexpected negative reaction in another, leading to serious disagreement (James 3:5-7). One can apologize for the trouble such miscommunication has caused simply because one regrets the result. Too often, however, our own sins have played a part either in creating the conflict or in escalating it (James 4:1-3).

Call on the church for help if necessary. Private confrontation is a preferable first step, so long as we can speak the truth in love (Ephes. 4:15). But if after sincere good-faith efforts to work things out you are unable to resolve the issue or mutually forgive each other (Proverbs 19:11; 1 John 3:16-20), then seek out the assistance of a few “witnesses” (Matthew 18:16). These are present not to provide evidence or accuse the parties but to act as supportive advisers to both sides and help restore peace (Phil. 4:3). This can be done informally with a respected relative, friend or other adviser trusted by both parties or more formally with a pastor, church-appointed committee or trained conciliator.

If someone will not listen to you and the witnesses, then, as we are instructed, “tell it to the church” and allow it to decide the matter for the parties (Matthew 18:17) as a matter of church discipline. This is preferable to filing lawsuits in civil court (1 Cor. 6:1-8). Today, as in Paul’s time, our churches (and most believers) have abdicated this authority to the legal system, yet the courts do not focus on restoration of personal relationships, only on the disposition of tangible assets and liabilities. The church should model God’s view that discipline is an act of love and shepherding (Hebrews 12:6).

Going to court is a possible last resort. Finally, if a party will not listen to the church, then we are commanded to treat the other as an unbeliever (Matthew 18:17). Does this mean that now we are free to sue in court? Yes, but our decision to do so should depend on the nature of the dispute and the consequences to us or others in our care if we do not pursue our claims (Phil. 2:3-4).

Even though Paul’s admonition about lawsuits is directed at believers suing believers, it only makes sense to tie God’s conflict-resolution principles back to witness through reflection of Christ’s character. Christ’s approach was to be merciful even while directly confronting a harmful attitude or act. Whatever the choice, our attitude needs to remain one of obedience to and reliance on God, and the aim should be peace with others, even unbelievers (Romans 12:17-18; 1 Cor. 10:31-11:1).

Because Jesus loved and sought out unbelievers even as he tried to both correct and heal them, we can at least attempt to work out differences with unbelievers using the same progression of steps as we would with believers (1 Peter 2:12). Serving an angry lawsuit on an unbeliever, before trying to work out things another way, may not be the defendant’s best introduction to God’s redemptive plan!

Some believers use the steps in Matthew 18:15-20 as a substitute for civil legal processes but demonstrate the same vengeful zeal and advocacy as if in court. The key to effective use of Matthew 18 is to appreciate it as God’s detailed direction to us on how to keep peace on earth—our attitude should be one of caution, prayerfulness and thanksgiving.

» See also: Church Discipline

» See also: Compromise

» See also: Conflict, Workplace

» See also: Forgiveness

» See also: Justice

» See also: Listening

» See also: Negotiating

References and Resources

E. Dobson et al., Mastering Conflict and Controversy (Portland, Ore.: Multnomah, 1992); R. Fisher and W. Ury, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (2nd ed.; New York: Penguin, 1991); J. Hocker and W. Wilmot, Interpersonal Conflict (3rd ed.; Dubuque, Iowa: Wm. C. Brown, 1991); Institute for Christian Conciliation, 1537 Avenue D, Suite 352, Billings, MT 59102, (406) 256-1583; B. Johnson, Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems (Amherst, Mass.: HRD Press, 1992); S. Leonard, Mediation: The Book—A Step-by-Step Guide for Dispute Resolvers (Evanston, Ill.: Evanston Publishing, 1994); G. Parsons and S. Leas, Understanding Your Congregation as a System (Washington, D.C.: Alban Institute, 1993); K. Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1991).

—David Augsburger