Empty Nesting

An expression that pinpoints the moment when grown children are out of the home and the parents face a new lifestyle, empty nesting is the time in a marriage between launching the children and retirement. Even in intact marriages it is a time of crisis, for it is usually the lowest point of marital satisfaction. The good news is that if the marital partners reinvest in their marriage, there is a dramatic upswing in their sense of joy.

Understanding the Transition

One reason why empty nesting is a high-stress time, especially at its immediate onset, is that it marks the completion of a couple’s investment in what they may have seen as the primary purpose of the marriage, the rearing of children. There are additional reasons.

There is a tendency for men and women to be going in opposite directions psychologically at the point where their children move out into their own lives. Men, perhaps realizing that they have missed most of the intimacy of their children’s development, may begin to seek closeness whereas women, after years of focusing on caring for others, begin to feel energized about developing their own lives—careers, friendships outside the family, and other activities. (Carter and McGoldrick, p. 52)

At this point the marriage is often viewed by both partners as sterile. There is often a switching of roles: the distancer becomes the pursuer, and the pursuer becomes the distancer. Further, in the more traditional marriage, the man has invested his life in his career, and the woman in her children. Even if he is successful, the career seems less attractive. For the woman her reason for living, as she perceives it, has disappeared. The danger is that they will both blame the marriage for their dissatisfaction when it is not the prime culprit. Indeed, if they reinvest in the marriage, they will gain back some, even all, of the intimacy they have lost. Sadly, many couples who are unaware of the dynamics of the marriage give up on the marriage at a time when a minimum reinvestment could pay significant dividends.

If there are complications for intact marriages, there are greater ones for those for whom divorce and remarriage have been a reality. Complications generated by the unhealed wounds of spouses and children affected by the divorce or divorces are a considerable challenge emotionally and spiritually. A support/accountability system is not just desirable but is a vital necessity. There is a further complicating factor. The empty nest is experienced mainly by the “sandwich generation.” During this time the marital partners are torn between the demands of their adolescent children and those of their elderly parents, to say nothing of their own urgent needs.

Even if the children (young adults) have physically left home, their psychological, spiritual and financial demands often do not cease. They can continue to dominate the marriage unless the couple have agreed on how to handle their young adult offspring. When the increasing needs of elderly parents are added to this, the pressures of life can easily affect the quality of the couple’s marriage. They will need to make space for their own relationship and for themselves and see this as a legitimate Christian decision.

Coping with the Transition

How any couple negotiates this point in their life cycle will be a function of how they have handled their relationships over the previous years. If they have empowered their children and each other, they will come into this period feeling good about the family and the marriage and themselves. If they have a deepened spiritual life individually and together, there will be a high degree of intimacy. If their church relationship is significant, they will not need the kind of emotional support from their children that encourages unhealthy dependence.

Empowered children and parents, deep spiritual lives and strong church ties are particularly important if the children decide to return home, a not uncommon event in our day. Parents who are not good at setting healthy boundaries will find this a major crisis. It is imperative that if it is acceptable for children to land in the nest again, there is a clear understanding of how this is to be managed. Issues such as privacy, financial contributions, responsibility for chores, presence or absence from meals and general use of the premises need to be clearly spelled out so that all parties empower one another.

Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrick maintain that the key emotional process at this stage in the life cycle is “accepting a multitude of exits from and entries into the family system” (p. 15). They go on to list what they describe as “Second Order Changes in Family Status Required to Proceed Developmentally” (Carter and McGoldrick, p. 15): (1) renegotiation of the marital system as a dyad, (2) development of adult-to-adult relationships between grown children and their parents, (3) realignment of relationships to include in-laws and grandchildren and (4) dealing with disabilities and death of parents (grandparents).

Each of these tasks is daunting. It is little wonder that this period is seen as one of crisis and change. Some Christian writers note that this is the reason why there are so many midlife sexual affairs: “People can’t cope with all the pressing changes, so they try to cope with surface issues” (Minirth et al., p. 162).

Preparing for the Transition

The time to get ready for empty nesting is long before it arrives. Marriages and families that are built on what Jack Balswick and Judith Balswick propose as a theological basis will do much more than survive; they will thrive. The Balswicks argue for four biblical themes on which family should be based. First, commitment is to be based on a mature (that is, unconditional and bilateral) covenant. Second, family life is to be established and maintained within an atmosphere of grace that embraces acceptance and forgiveness. Third, the resources of family members are to be used to empower, rather than to control, one another. Fourth, intimacy is based on a knowing that leads to caring for, understanding, communicating with and communing with others. The Balswicks see these as a continual process. Each feeds on and reinforces the other. The result of so building one’s family is that each member has a sense of worth along with “deep levels of communication and knowing” (Balswick and Balswick, p. 33).

Empty nesting is a deeply challenging period for marriages and families. The good news is that if the couple come into it with a healthy and godly commitment, it will bring them a deeper bonding and contentment. For David in the Old Testament it was an unmitigated disaster. It can be the opposite for those who, unlike David, have cultivated good marriages and families and see them both as an adventure in service of the kingdom.

» See also: Aging

» See also: Grandparenting

» See also: Menopause and Male Climacteric

» See also: Parenting

» See also: Retirement

References and Resources

J. O. Balswick and J. K. Balswick, The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1991); B. Carter and M. McGoldrick, The Changing Family Life Cycle (2nd ed.; New York: Gardner Press, 1988); F. Minirth et al., Passages of Marriage (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1991).

—Roy D. Bell