Family Problems

All families have problems! Living together through the thick and thin of everyday life, family members will encounter struggles and stressors all along the way. Whether it is a major problem like substance abuse, serious illness, natural disaster or economic failure, or a minor difficulty like sibling rivalry, unhealthy coalitions in the family or personal conflicts between family members, it will take a toll on family relationships. Since the external problems are usually beyond the control of the family, this article will focus on relational problems that family members can change.

Four common problems that lead to internal family disharmony are conditional love, shame, control and distance. If a family is to function effectively, members must first recognize and then learn to change these disruptive patterns. With that intention in mind, I will present each of these problems, highlighting their damaging impact on family relationships. Then I will offer four antithetical healing principles that can bring harmony between family members. These healing principles are covenant (commitment and faithfulness), grace (acceptance and forgiveness), empowerment (competence and growth) and intimacy (closeness and communication). Knowing the difference between harmful and healing relationship dynamics will point families in the direction of health. And, embracing these healing principles, family members will be able to combat the relational problems that cripple their functioning. Healing relationship principles will move family members toward well-being, whereas repeating the hurting patterns will move them toward further strife.

Loving That Is Conditional

Each member of a family needs to be loved for who they are! Conditional love, however, says a person is loved if, because or when he or she behaves a certain way. Love that depends on external behavior places an enormous burden on a family member to earn love rather than to be loved. In fact, conditional love becomes a leverage: love is withheld or withdrawn when a member’s behavior is “unacceptable.” This perpetuates the “try harder” compulsion to please others in order to feel acceptable. Family members who live under the dominating influence of conditional love begin to believe they have an internal flaw that makes them unworthy of being loved. Without the assurance that their family will “love them forever,” even when they make mistakes, they become insecure. Conditional love leads to a pattern of distrust and untrustworthiness that spirals in a negative direction.

The exact opposite of conditional love is unconditional love. A compelling picture of God in the Bible is that of One who faithfully initiates and persistently pursues people through unconditional covenant love, even when they pull away and turn their back on him. Jehovah God of the Old Testament is the model parent who loves the children of Israel with a love that will not let go. A family that can keep on loving, even when members behave in unlovable ways, provides a basic trust and security for its members. Because it is inevitable that family members will disappoint and fail each other, it is absolutely essential that they experience the security of unconditional love. Trust is the foundation that makes connection and growth possible. Just as God’s unconditional love is demonstrated through grace that accepts us “just as we are,” so family life needs to be lived in an atmosphere of grace.

Shaming One Another

To forgive and be forgiven is the hallmark of the Christian family. Unfortunately, families often live under the cloud of shame rather than grace. In shaming homes, family members set up a standard of perfection that is impossible to achieve. The strong focus on external behavior impedes that person’s internal development. Members not only fear making mistakes but they believe they are a mistake, thinking they can never be good enough. In the innermost part of their being, they are ashamed of who they are. Totally discouraged by failing to live up to unreasonable standards, they give up! Though it may be their only defense, blaming themselves or others for their predicament leads only to further problems and irresponsible behavior.

The discouragement incurred in a shaming home defeats the hopeful message of God’s grace! For God so loved and cherished each unique created person that he gave his only Son for them. The intent was to restore and reconcile. Likewise, a family of grace will embrace each member as a unique, cherished creation of God. While they acknowledge human failure, they also take hope in people’s capacity to learn from mistakes and recover from imperfections. Repentance and forgiveness become the ways to reconciliation, hope and life. It is only when family members are loved, accepted and forgiven that they have the courage to begin anew.

Using Power to Control Others

Parents who control and coerce their children give the message that “might equals right.” With this perspective, one inevitably tries to get more power in order to lord it over others. This interpretation of power leads to serious problems of physical and emotional abuse. Mostly it is the people who have very little power who resort to physical and mental punishment. In controlling families, members respond out of fear rather than respect, cowering under the more powerful members. Dejected, they fail to develop an internal locus of control as they continually succumb to the demands of the controller. The question of what they do in the controller’s absence (“out of sight is out of mind”) is another serious problem. They may rebel and strike out in destructive ways. This “law and punishment” model keeps abusive systems perpetuating themselves from one generation to the next.

We can take a great deal of hope in the fact that Jesus radically redefined the notion of power. The model in the New Testament is one of empowerment or of using power for others. Just as the Holy Spirit empowers Christians to live out the life of faith, family members are called to nurture, equip, instruct, confront, encourage and assist one other in personal growth. Jesus announced that he came to serve and not to be served. The idea of laying down one’s life for another family member is the extraordinary way of the cross. It is possible to turn the other cheek or go the second mile only if there is the strength of character to do it. When parents come alongside their children as moral and loving leaders who affirm their children’s strengths and build up their potential, they empower them to become responsible members of society.

Keeping Emotional Distance

Families today are besieged by activities and conditions that keep them removed and distanced from each other. In a world that offers instant everything, it is difficult to take the time that is required to develop close relationships. It is easier to hide behind fake masks rather than to reveal oneself in open, honest ways. If the family is a place where members experience rejection, the best way for family members to protect themselves from that kind of pain is to pretend they are okay when they are not. In addition, if members are loved only when they do acceptable things, or shamed when they make mistakes, or harshly punished when they fail, they will look for ways to anesthetize themselves from these condemnations. Addictive behaviors, such as drinking, eating, overwork and so on, promise relief by taking one’s mind off the self-defeating messages, but they only intensify the problem. These addictive substitutes are not only self-destructive but are destructive to relationships within the family. For when denial and cover-up become a way of life, they keep family members emotionally distanced from each other and are a barrier to intimacy, which is the healing force in family relationships.

In Genesis, Adam and Eve were described as being “naked and not ashamed” when they encountered each other. It would appear that they were completely open and vulnerable in their relationship. The psalms give a similar picture of intimacy when they express the psalmist’s deepest thoughts and emotions of pain, joy, anguish, anger, victory and love to God in prayer. The scriptural truth that “there is no fear in love . . . perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18) is a compelling reason to come before God, naked and not ashamed. There is safety in being loved unconditionally, being gracefully accepted and empowering others. In healing families, there is no need to hide or deny what one feels because all thoughts and feelings are honorable and listened to with compassion. When one is validated for being congruent (matching feelings and words), there is no need to cover up the truth, even when it is negative. In fact, conflicts offer us an exhilarating capacity for constructive growth when family members are able to hear and respond with appropriate understanding. Resolutions are sought in order to bring harmony and closeness between members. Intimacy is the fruit of vulnerable sharing and working through family problems together. It is the time a family spends together that deepens their level of interaction and emotional connection.

Finding Solutions

Once problems are recognized, the family has a great opportunity to deal effectively with them. The goal is to find a solution that can dissipate the negative energy that has piled up through past hurtful patterns of interaction. If your family is operating under the four disruptive relationship patterns, it is necessary to reverse these patterns. The family must do something different to break the old, hurting patterns and add something new in order to put the healing relationship principles in place. Here are some ideas for moving toward solutions.

First, one must declare the problem and commit to the solution. Admitting the inadequate past way and then indicating the desire to replace it with a more effective way is illustrated in the following statements: “I withhold my affection when you don’t do what I say, and I scold and shame you when you do something I don’t like, but I’d like to extend grace and acceptance instead!”; “I’ve been trying to force you into my way of doing things, but I know your way is equally good, and I will affirm you rather than criticize you”; “I realize I keep my distance by blaming you, and I will accept responsibility for my actions. It’s important to me to find good ways to connect.” The confession initiates the process. The vulnerable, “about-face” change of attitude opens others up in a way that will make a real difference. It is important to give some idea of what family relationships are when members are operating according to the four healing principles.

It is crucial to pay attention to the things family members already do that contribute to the four healing principles. You may want to ask all members to talk about the specific times when they have felt loved, accepted, empowered and emotionally close. Recognizing family strengths and particular activities that contribute to positive interaction provides specific behaviors to emulate. Discovering what the family is doing right is an important clue as to how the problem will be solved. By fostering positive behaviors, the family will be able to eliminate negative ones. The motto becomes: Keep doing those things that heal and quit doing the things that hurt!

Choosing to empower rather than to control, or deciding to accept rather than to shame, automatically reverses the negative trends. Eliminating unrealistic expectations means a person is free to discover what he or she can do well and to learn what’s appropriate for their particular age and situation. Being vulnerable in relationships invites others to come toward us rather than pushes them away. Honest expression keeps one from hiding behind masks.

It is especially helpful for family members to make a list of all the behaviors they can think of that lead to the four healing principles. Then every member has the chance to make a conscious decision to incorporate these specific actions to get things rolling in the right direction. Repeating these patterns of positive relating becomes a way of life that continues to accentuate the positive.

An approach that focuses on solutions brings hope. Sometimes, however, a family cannot get to future solutions until they have paid sufficient attention to past hurts. In this case, repentance is a necessary part of the solution. Painful past events can continue to have a powerful negative influence unless members admit the wrongs so they can begin to reestablish trust. After reconciliation, they can put forth the remedial effort to make the desired changes.

A problem solved is a point of growth and celebration for the family. The solutions lead to a deeper level of intimacy in the family, which brings about more capacity for unconditional loving, acceptance and empowerment. Round and round it goes, one positive relationship principle contributing to another in an ongoing cycle of family unity.

» See also: Family

» See also: Family Communication

» See also: Forgiveness

» See also: Love

References and Resources

J. O. Balswick and J. K. Balswick, The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1989); R. Campbell, How to Really Love Your Child (Wheaton, Ill.: Victor Books, 1978); R. Campbell, How to Really Love Your Teenager (Wheaton, Ill.: Victor Books, 1980); N. Stinnett et al., eds., Family Strengths: Positive Models for Family Life (Lincoln: University of Nebraska Press, 1979).

—Judith K. Balswick